I was 19 and loving it.
I had no fear of most things and faced the world with a smile on my face regardless of what was placed in front of me.
My boyfriend invited me to his house to hang out. No one was home so we were all alone. I knew where this was heading to and I had no problem leading the way. The only catch was that his room was currently empty because it was being painted and remodeled. We were going to have to get creative. So we decided to take the easy way out and go into the room that his mom and sister shared to handle our business. We threw a mattress down and went at it. Unfortunately, we were so at it that we did not hear when his sister walked in the house. She tried to open the door to her room and my boyfriend jumped up and pushed the door closed. She was so mad that she started to cry and scream at him. I was so embarrassed. Here I was half naked on who knows whose mattress, huffing and puffing while his sister was crying outside the door threatening to call their mom. So what did I decide to do when he came back… I grabbed him by his arms and pulled him back down. There was something he still needed to finish.
Horrible right? But that is just what my attitude was like back then. Now, now I am a bit more different. Actually I think that I am completely opposite of who I was back then. It's only been 6 years, but I think that I am slowly turning a bit on the prude side.
The other morning I was waiting patiently for my husband to get out of the shower so that I could start getting ready. He was taking long just like always. I decided to walk in and just get what I needed to start my morning routine. Here I was, in my house, with my husband and I was kind of shy to walk in there to grab a brush. What was I scared of? Seeing him naked? I had seen that plenty of times, why was I so nervous to see him this way while he was showering? I decided to push the shyness back and opened the door. I didn’t look towards the bathtub, but saw the reflection of my husband’s face in the mirror. He looked horrified. I had just caught him masturbating. He tried to hide it and pretend that it wasn’t his dick in his hand and that he had not been stroking it moments before I had opened the door. I quickly looked down, apologized, and ran out of the bathroom. What the hell was wrong with me? If this was the 19 year old version of me, I would have jumped in the shower with him to help him finish off what he had started – no questions asked. But the older version of me was appalled. Why was he masturbating? What had led him to do that when he had a wife that could help him fulfill any of those needs?
Had I really become this boring in bed? Was age really catching up to me? Or was I no longer what he longed for that he preferred his hand? Is this what it meant to grow up? Bills and a husband that masturbated. How could I get him to want me again? Why was this bothering me so much? How could I get that 19 year old version back? Even a small hint of her would be nice. I was tired of this version of me that was insecure and that questioned everything.
Growing up all of a sudden did not seem like fun anymore. What was next? My boobs were going to turn into knee knockers? Something to look forward to.
st.1
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
if I feel guilty enough, does it no longer seem like a lie?
I woke up this morning feeling a bit guilty.
I had been up three hours prior to let work know that I wasn't coming in.
it doesn't really sound like a big deal right? I mean, we are entitled to days off. If we weren't, then why would the company let us accumulate the time? The problem with my call were the circumstances surrounding it.
For one, it was a holiday. I knew that if I did not call in, then I would have to work and would probably leave work late. So I would miss out on everything the family had planned. what else was I supposed to do? I had to lie. I wanted to be part of the whole celebration that was taking place. And I knew work would not have allowed me to do this because they always find a way to ruin my plans.
I also knew that my co-worker, Alice would be upset. She had requested Friday off and of course he gave it to her. He always gives her what she wants because she is his favorite. But oh well. That isn't my problem. She was probably just going to stay home with her son, so I am sure that she didn't really have any plans that I was ruining.
And if I was, then it wasn't really my fault. Work should also be more prepared for situations like these. They should have someone else trained so that if I couldn't make it for whatever reason, they would at least have a back-up plan. I shouldn't have to lie to get a day off, but I was forced to because they don't like to bring in other people in to train. Now this was going to fall on them for not being better prepared for situations like these, so it was up to them to figure it out on their own. It was not my problem
Deep down inside, I knew that I was making excuses as to why it was okay to lie to work and ruin someone else's plans. That part didn't really bother me. The part that was eating my conscience was the excuse I had given. When my boss answered the phone this morning, all I could think of was "I can't come in today. I had a death in the family..." That lie was bothering me the most about this whole situation. They say it isn't any good to lie about stuff like that because it might come back to nip you in the ass. But I panicked and that is all that I could come up with. Now it was creating a knot in my stomach.
I knew that I would have to go back to work tomorrow to face the crowd.
I knew that some people would somehow know that I was lying.
I knew that some would be giving me attitude.
I knew that I didn't really care.
I would play the part well. I would stay quiet like a grieving person should be. And then on Friday I would be OFF and wouldn't return until Tuesday. Once I was off and away from the office, then I wouldn't have to think about it, so it wouldn't bother me anymore.
Why should I worry? Why should I wonder if this was the 3rd or 4th time that I had done this on a holiday? I shouldn't right? Its not like if I was going to get caught. What, were they going to ask me for proof? If they did I would cry and bitch and scream bloody murder. I would say that they were inconsiderate and that how dare they insinuate that I would lie about something like that. And then they would leave me alone in fear that it could get them in trouble. It would work... right?
As long as I kept thinking like this... then I would be ok. At least until tomorrow when I knew that I would have to look at them for two days before Friday came to save me. Until then I had to do something. Something to shake off this guilt.
Guilt is an ugly flaw.
st.1
I had been up three hours prior to let work know that I wasn't coming in.
it doesn't really sound like a big deal right? I mean, we are entitled to days off. If we weren't, then why would the company let us accumulate the time? The problem with my call were the circumstances surrounding it.
For one, it was a holiday. I knew that if I did not call in, then I would have to work and would probably leave work late. So I would miss out on everything the family had planned. what else was I supposed to do? I had to lie. I wanted to be part of the whole celebration that was taking place. And I knew work would not have allowed me to do this because they always find a way to ruin my plans.
I also knew that my co-worker, Alice would be upset. She had requested Friday off and of course he gave it to her. He always gives her what she wants because she is his favorite. But oh well. That isn't my problem. She was probably just going to stay home with her son, so I am sure that she didn't really have any plans that I was ruining.
And if I was, then it wasn't really my fault. Work should also be more prepared for situations like these. They should have someone else trained so that if I couldn't make it for whatever reason, they would at least have a back-up plan. I shouldn't have to lie to get a day off, but I was forced to because they don't like to bring in other people in to train. Now this was going to fall on them for not being better prepared for situations like these, so it was up to them to figure it out on their own. It was not my problem
Deep down inside, I knew that I was making excuses as to why it was okay to lie to work and ruin someone else's plans. That part didn't really bother me. The part that was eating my conscience was the excuse I had given. When my boss answered the phone this morning, all I could think of was "I can't come in today. I had a death in the family..." That lie was bothering me the most about this whole situation. They say it isn't any good to lie about stuff like that because it might come back to nip you in the ass. But I panicked and that is all that I could come up with. Now it was creating a knot in my stomach.
I knew that I would have to go back to work tomorrow to face the crowd.
I knew that some people would somehow know that I was lying.
I knew that some would be giving me attitude.
I knew that I didn't really care.
I would play the part well. I would stay quiet like a grieving person should be. And then on Friday I would be OFF and wouldn't return until Tuesday. Once I was off and away from the office, then I wouldn't have to think about it, so it wouldn't bother me anymore.
Why should I worry? Why should I wonder if this was the 3rd or 4th time that I had done this on a holiday? I shouldn't right? Its not like if I was going to get caught. What, were they going to ask me for proof? If they did I would cry and bitch and scream bloody murder. I would say that they were inconsiderate and that how dare they insinuate that I would lie about something like that. And then they would leave me alone in fear that it could get them in trouble. It would work... right?
As long as I kept thinking like this... then I would be ok. At least until tomorrow when I knew that I would have to look at them for two days before Friday came to save me. Until then I had to do something. Something to shake off this guilt.
Guilt is an ugly flaw.
st.1
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