I was 19 and loving it.
I had no fear of most things and faced the world with a smile on my face regardless of what was placed in front of me.
My boyfriend invited me to his house to hang out. No one was home so we were all alone. I knew where this was heading to and I had no problem leading the way. The only catch was that his room was currently empty because it was being painted and remodeled. We were going to have to get creative. So we decided to take the easy way out and go into the room that his mom and sister shared to handle our business. We threw a mattress down and went at it. Unfortunately, we were so at it that we did not hear when his sister walked in the house. She tried to open the door to her room and my boyfriend jumped up and pushed the door closed. She was so mad that she started to cry and scream at him. I was so embarrassed. Here I was half naked on who knows whose mattress, huffing and puffing while his sister was crying outside the door threatening to call their mom. So what did I decide to do when he came back… I grabbed him by his arms and pulled him back down. There was something he still needed to finish.
Horrible right? But that is just what my attitude was like back then. Now, now I am a bit more different. Actually I think that I am completely opposite of who I was back then. It's only been 6 years, but I think that I am slowly turning a bit on the prude side.
The other morning I was waiting patiently for my husband to get out of the shower so that I could start getting ready. He was taking long just like always. I decided to walk in and just get what I needed to start my morning routine. Here I was, in my house, with my husband and I was kind of shy to walk in there to grab a brush. What was I scared of? Seeing him naked? I had seen that plenty of times, why was I so nervous to see him this way while he was showering? I decided to push the shyness back and opened the door. I didn’t look towards the bathtub, but saw the reflection of my husband’s face in the mirror. He looked horrified. I had just caught him masturbating. He tried to hide it and pretend that it wasn’t his dick in his hand and that he had not been stroking it moments before I had opened the door. I quickly looked down, apologized, and ran out of the bathroom. What the hell was wrong with me? If this was the 19 year old version of me, I would have jumped in the shower with him to help him finish off what he had started – no questions asked. But the older version of me was appalled. Why was he masturbating? What had led him to do that when he had a wife that could help him fulfill any of those needs?
Had I really become this boring in bed? Was age really catching up to me? Or was I no longer what he longed for that he preferred his hand? Is this what it meant to grow up? Bills and a husband that masturbated. How could I get him to want me again? Why was this bothering me so much? How could I get that 19 year old version back? Even a small hint of her would be nice. I was tired of this version of me that was insecure and that questioned everything.
Growing up all of a sudden did not seem like fun anymore. What was next? My boobs were going to turn into knee knockers? Something to look forward to.
st.1
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
if I feel guilty enough, does it no longer seem like a lie?
I woke up this morning feeling a bit guilty.
I had been up three hours prior to let work know that I wasn't coming in.
it doesn't really sound like a big deal right? I mean, we are entitled to days off. If we weren't, then why would the company let us accumulate the time? The problem with my call were the circumstances surrounding it.
For one, it was a holiday. I knew that if I did not call in, then I would have to work and would probably leave work late. So I would miss out on everything the family had planned. what else was I supposed to do? I had to lie. I wanted to be part of the whole celebration that was taking place. And I knew work would not have allowed me to do this because they always find a way to ruin my plans.
I also knew that my co-worker, Alice would be upset. She had requested Friday off and of course he gave it to her. He always gives her what she wants because she is his favorite. But oh well. That isn't my problem. She was probably just going to stay home with her son, so I am sure that she didn't really have any plans that I was ruining.
And if I was, then it wasn't really my fault. Work should also be more prepared for situations like these. They should have someone else trained so that if I couldn't make it for whatever reason, they would at least have a back-up plan. I shouldn't have to lie to get a day off, but I was forced to because they don't like to bring in other people in to train. Now this was going to fall on them for not being better prepared for situations like these, so it was up to them to figure it out on their own. It was not my problem
Deep down inside, I knew that I was making excuses as to why it was okay to lie to work and ruin someone else's plans. That part didn't really bother me. The part that was eating my conscience was the excuse I had given. When my boss answered the phone this morning, all I could think of was "I can't come in today. I had a death in the family..." That lie was bothering me the most about this whole situation. They say it isn't any good to lie about stuff like that because it might come back to nip you in the ass. But I panicked and that is all that I could come up with. Now it was creating a knot in my stomach.
I knew that I would have to go back to work tomorrow to face the crowd.
I knew that some people would somehow know that I was lying.
I knew that some would be giving me attitude.
I knew that I didn't really care.
I would play the part well. I would stay quiet like a grieving person should be. And then on Friday I would be OFF and wouldn't return until Tuesday. Once I was off and away from the office, then I wouldn't have to think about it, so it wouldn't bother me anymore.
Why should I worry? Why should I wonder if this was the 3rd or 4th time that I had done this on a holiday? I shouldn't right? Its not like if I was going to get caught. What, were they going to ask me for proof? If they did I would cry and bitch and scream bloody murder. I would say that they were inconsiderate and that how dare they insinuate that I would lie about something like that. And then they would leave me alone in fear that it could get them in trouble. It would work... right?
As long as I kept thinking like this... then I would be ok. At least until tomorrow when I knew that I would have to look at them for two days before Friday came to save me. Until then I had to do something. Something to shake off this guilt.
Guilt is an ugly flaw.
st.1
I had been up three hours prior to let work know that I wasn't coming in.
it doesn't really sound like a big deal right? I mean, we are entitled to days off. If we weren't, then why would the company let us accumulate the time? The problem with my call were the circumstances surrounding it.
For one, it was a holiday. I knew that if I did not call in, then I would have to work and would probably leave work late. So I would miss out on everything the family had planned. what else was I supposed to do? I had to lie. I wanted to be part of the whole celebration that was taking place. And I knew work would not have allowed me to do this because they always find a way to ruin my plans.
I also knew that my co-worker, Alice would be upset. She had requested Friday off and of course he gave it to her. He always gives her what she wants because she is his favorite. But oh well. That isn't my problem. She was probably just going to stay home with her son, so I am sure that she didn't really have any plans that I was ruining.
And if I was, then it wasn't really my fault. Work should also be more prepared for situations like these. They should have someone else trained so that if I couldn't make it for whatever reason, they would at least have a back-up plan. I shouldn't have to lie to get a day off, but I was forced to because they don't like to bring in other people in to train. Now this was going to fall on them for not being better prepared for situations like these, so it was up to them to figure it out on their own. It was not my problem
Deep down inside, I knew that I was making excuses as to why it was okay to lie to work and ruin someone else's plans. That part didn't really bother me. The part that was eating my conscience was the excuse I had given. When my boss answered the phone this morning, all I could think of was "I can't come in today. I had a death in the family..." That lie was bothering me the most about this whole situation. They say it isn't any good to lie about stuff like that because it might come back to nip you in the ass. But I panicked and that is all that I could come up with. Now it was creating a knot in my stomach.
I knew that I would have to go back to work tomorrow to face the crowd.
I knew that some people would somehow know that I was lying.
I knew that some would be giving me attitude.
I knew that I didn't really care.
I would play the part well. I would stay quiet like a grieving person should be. And then on Friday I would be OFF and wouldn't return until Tuesday. Once I was off and away from the office, then I wouldn't have to think about it, so it wouldn't bother me anymore.
Why should I worry? Why should I wonder if this was the 3rd or 4th time that I had done this on a holiday? I shouldn't right? Its not like if I was going to get caught. What, were they going to ask me for proof? If they did I would cry and bitch and scream bloody murder. I would say that they were inconsiderate and that how dare they insinuate that I would lie about something like that. And then they would leave me alone in fear that it could get them in trouble. It would work... right?
As long as I kept thinking like this... then I would be ok. At least until tomorrow when I knew that I would have to look at them for two days before Friday came to save me. Until then I had to do something. Something to shake off this guilt.
Guilt is an ugly flaw.
st.1
Monday, July 06, 2009
to be bald or not to be bald
I have always been down to try out just about anything...
piercings - check
tattoos - check
new hair styles - check
waxing - check
but this time I was being tempted to go up a notch on something I had already tried. My friend Tamara had been raging on and on about how she had done something to herself that had improved her life in more ways than one and that I should try it. Of course... I was down, but deep down inside... I was scared.
It seemed easy enough. I would just lay there. Feel the warmth. Then a pinch. Then voila... a twelve year old would appear. That is NOT how I saw it in my head.
In my head I saw... ohmygod I am half-naked. on a bed. with a woman I had never met before looking into my soul. And then this warmth was going to be put on me and it might be hot. And then the pinch might be prolonged if she wasn't fast enough. What if she wasn't fast enough? How painful would that be? Would there be scars? Would I be damaged forever?
Instead of showing fear, I told her that I would join her the next time she went for this great adventure of hers!
And then the month passed.
I was nervous as hell. I cleaned up. Got ready. Put on make-up (for some reason I feel as if though I get power when I apply powder, silly I know. but it makes me feel better). And then we walked in.
The place was packed, so of course we had to sign in first and write down what we wanted.... WAIT... so now everyone that would sign in after me would know that Tamara and her friend were there for that reason???? (ok I wasn't really that freaked out about everyone knowing, but let's pretend for dramatic reasons).
As soon as I sat down, my name gets called out. Apparently, Tamara had made an appointment so that I would not have to sit and wait in suspense, wondering how I was going to stop myself from screaming.
The lady that was helping me take this adventure took me into this room with a bed in the middle. I wasn't really sure about what I was supposed to do, so I just stood there - out of the way - as she prepped stuff and talked about this and that. All I heard was blah blah blah.
Finally she looked at me and said "well take your pants off. I put music for you so you can relax. you look nervous."
I smiled and did as I was told. The pants came off without a problem and then came the panties. I was putting it all nice and neat on this chair when she turned and looked at me. AHHHH she was looking at me and my soul was all exposed.
"lay down here and we will start."
apparently, she was not impressed with what she saw.
I laid down on the bed as gracefully as I could and waited for the inevitable. She told me to hold onto my legs and the warmth came. She was swift and gentle. The whole time telling me that I was so strong. She kept telling me that she knew that I was nervous, but that it was going to be over soon. She kept at it, showing me her work each time proudly. And then the warm cloth came and it was all over. She pulled a mirror out (just like when you get a haircut) and showed me her work. There it was in all its glory - the twelve year old inside of me!
I had survived my first Brazilian waxing. The pain was not that bad, it was mostly just nerves! And now... now it was time for me to show myself off.
st.1
piercings - check
tattoos - check
new hair styles - check
waxing - check
but this time I was being tempted to go up a notch on something I had already tried. My friend Tamara had been raging on and on about how she had done something to herself that had improved her life in more ways than one and that I should try it. Of course... I was down, but deep down inside... I was scared.
It seemed easy enough. I would just lay there. Feel the warmth. Then a pinch. Then voila... a twelve year old would appear. That is NOT how I saw it in my head.
In my head I saw... ohmygod I am half-naked. on a bed. with a woman I had never met before looking into my soul. And then this warmth was going to be put on me and it might be hot. And then the pinch might be prolonged if she wasn't fast enough. What if she wasn't fast enough? How painful would that be? Would there be scars? Would I be damaged forever?
Instead of showing fear, I told her that I would join her the next time she went for this great adventure of hers!
And then the month passed.
I was nervous as hell. I cleaned up. Got ready. Put on make-up (for some reason I feel as if though I get power when I apply powder, silly I know. but it makes me feel better). And then we walked in.
The place was packed, so of course we had to sign in first and write down what we wanted.... WAIT... so now everyone that would sign in after me would know that Tamara and her friend were there for that reason???? (ok I wasn't really that freaked out about everyone knowing, but let's pretend for dramatic reasons).
As soon as I sat down, my name gets called out. Apparently, Tamara had made an appointment so that I would not have to sit and wait in suspense, wondering how I was going to stop myself from screaming.
The lady that was helping me take this adventure took me into this room with a bed in the middle. I wasn't really sure about what I was supposed to do, so I just stood there - out of the way - as she prepped stuff and talked about this and that. All I heard was blah blah blah.
Finally she looked at me and said "well take your pants off. I put music for you so you can relax. you look nervous."
I smiled and did as I was told. The pants came off without a problem and then came the panties. I was putting it all nice and neat on this chair when she turned and looked at me. AHHHH she was looking at me and my soul was all exposed.
"lay down here and we will start."
apparently, she was not impressed with what she saw.
I laid down on the bed as gracefully as I could and waited for the inevitable. She told me to hold onto my legs and the warmth came. She was swift and gentle. The whole time telling me that I was so strong. She kept telling me that she knew that I was nervous, but that it was going to be over soon. She kept at it, showing me her work each time proudly. And then the warm cloth came and it was all over. She pulled a mirror out (just like when you get a haircut) and showed me her work. There it was in all its glory - the twelve year old inside of me!
I had survived my first Brazilian waxing. The pain was not that bad, it was mostly just nerves! And now... now it was time for me to show myself off.
st.1
Thursday, July 02, 2009
is this love on the internet waves
I was 18 years old and ready to take on the world. Or at least that morning, I was ready to defy my mother by doing something that she had warned me about several times before.
I was going to meet my online boyfriend, face to face.
Was I scared? A bit. But I was also 18 and in my head - nothing could go wrong.
Steve and I had met some months back in an online chat room. He was this skater boy from Texas that had the cutest avatar ever. (I know how juvenile, but remember... I was 18) We started chatting for a bit that day and eventually kept running into each other. The conversations became personal and we no longer wanted to keep running into each other. So we started to set up times so that we could meet up and chat. A couple of months after, it got to the point where chatting online was not enough and we moved to talking on the phone.
He was, in my mind, the man I was in love with. He was cute (or at least the pictures that he sent showed a guy that was cute). He had a job. He had a car. He was tall. And the conversations were amazing.
And now, now we were at a point where the distance was a nuisance. The phone conversations were not enough. Not only did we have a strong connection through words, but physically things had gotten intense. We had shared a couple of "hot" moments over the phone. (yes, I am talking about phone sex) And now we wanted to see how strong the connection really was in person.
This morning we were going to find out.
His plane had just landed and he had called me to let me know that he was on his way. The nerves started to sink in. What if he was everything my mom had warned me about? What if he really lived down the street and knew my every move? What if his pictures were fake and he turned out to be ... hideous? What if he looked at me and thought I was hideous? What had I gotten myself into?
I stood by the window with the curtains cracked a little bit and scoped every car that went by until finally one got by... and of course it was his. He parked down the block and called me to let me know he was here. I grabbed my stuff, took a deep breath and walked outside to meet him. There he was playing with a neighborhood stray cat in front of my house. We looked at each other (thank God his pictures did not lie), smiled and walked towards the car. For some reason, I had imagined us running into each other's arms and kissing and embracing each other until our arms hurt. Instead, we walked in silence - side by side.
As soon as he opened the car I smelled marijuana. I knew he smoked it, but thought it was weird that he felt the need to smoke right after getting off the plane. He did not seem like the type to be addicted to it.
So I asked, "so ... what's that smell?" with a smile on my face.
"I was nervous and needed to calm down. You don't mind do you?" He wouldn't look at me while he talked. So instead he pretended to be trying to open the windows.
"No, I just think it is funny that you were that nervous." I played it cool not letting him know that I had butterflies in my stomach. "so we finally meet!!! Don't I get a hug or something?"
This time he turned to look at me and gave me the biggest smile. "You get more then that."
Next thing I know we were kissing so hard that the windows started to fog up. Needless to say, the connection was there. Some minutes passed and we finally stopped and laughed at the foggy windows. We both knew that this was only the beginning.
Unfortunately, our plans were put on hold because I had classes to attend to that morning. He was going to wait outside and tour the city, while I gained some knowledge. Once classes were over, we had a part two of our first encounter and decided it was best if we went to check him into his hotel.
I knew deep down inside of me where this was heading to, but I did not want him to see that I was excited, so instead I acted innocent.
We decided we would stay in the hotel room and just get to know each other. So we talked and laughed and held hands. It was all very high school, until we started kissing. Things intensified quickly and I started to become so nervous that I had to stop him. This time I could not hide it.
He smiled at me and said "how about if we smoke out to calm down both of our nerves?"
Not only was I meeting up with a complete stranger.
But I was also going to smoke weed with him not knowing what was really in that joint.
You would figure that I would stop right about now... but I didn't. Instead I smoked. I relaxed. And I initiated another kissing frenzy. This time we took it as far as it could go.
Everything he had said about him physically was true. And we clicked instantly.
I had been lucky that everything my mom said would happen - hadn't.
I had taken a big risk with all of it and luckily I had been triumphant.
But what if it had gone the other way? I don't even want to think about it.
Things did not work out between Steve and I. Yet I still do not regret what took place that day. Will I do it again? Probably not. My nerves were bad that day. And although the sex was awesome, I felt guilty. Online dating started and ended with him.
st.1
I was going to meet my online boyfriend, face to face.
Was I scared? A bit. But I was also 18 and in my head - nothing could go wrong.
Steve and I had met some months back in an online chat room. He was this skater boy from Texas that had the cutest avatar ever. (I know how juvenile, but remember... I was 18) We started chatting for a bit that day and eventually kept running into each other. The conversations became personal and we no longer wanted to keep running into each other. So we started to set up times so that we could meet up and chat. A couple of months after, it got to the point where chatting online was not enough and we moved to talking on the phone.
He was, in my mind, the man I was in love with. He was cute (or at least the pictures that he sent showed a guy that was cute). He had a job. He had a car. He was tall. And the conversations were amazing.
And now, now we were at a point where the distance was a nuisance. The phone conversations were not enough. Not only did we have a strong connection through words, but physically things had gotten intense. We had shared a couple of "hot" moments over the phone. (yes, I am talking about phone sex) And now we wanted to see how strong the connection really was in person.
This morning we were going to find out.
His plane had just landed and he had called me to let me know that he was on his way. The nerves started to sink in. What if he was everything my mom had warned me about? What if he really lived down the street and knew my every move? What if his pictures were fake and he turned out to be ... hideous? What if he looked at me and thought I was hideous? What had I gotten myself into?
I stood by the window with the curtains cracked a little bit and scoped every car that went by until finally one got by... and of course it was his. He parked down the block and called me to let me know he was here. I grabbed my stuff, took a deep breath and walked outside to meet him. There he was playing with a neighborhood stray cat in front of my house. We looked at each other (thank God his pictures did not lie), smiled and walked towards the car. For some reason, I had imagined us running into each other's arms and kissing and embracing each other until our arms hurt. Instead, we walked in silence - side by side.
As soon as he opened the car I smelled marijuana. I knew he smoked it, but thought it was weird that he felt the need to smoke right after getting off the plane. He did not seem like the type to be addicted to it.
So I asked, "so ... what's that smell?" with a smile on my face.
"I was nervous and needed to calm down. You don't mind do you?" He wouldn't look at me while he talked. So instead he pretended to be trying to open the windows.
"No, I just think it is funny that you were that nervous." I played it cool not letting him know that I had butterflies in my stomach. "so we finally meet!!! Don't I get a hug or something?"
This time he turned to look at me and gave me the biggest smile. "You get more then that."
Next thing I know we were kissing so hard that the windows started to fog up. Needless to say, the connection was there. Some minutes passed and we finally stopped and laughed at the foggy windows. We both knew that this was only the beginning.
Unfortunately, our plans were put on hold because I had classes to attend to that morning. He was going to wait outside and tour the city, while I gained some knowledge. Once classes were over, we had a part two of our first encounter and decided it was best if we went to check him into his hotel.
I knew deep down inside of me where this was heading to, but I did not want him to see that I was excited, so instead I acted innocent.
We decided we would stay in the hotel room and just get to know each other. So we talked and laughed and held hands. It was all very high school, until we started kissing. Things intensified quickly and I started to become so nervous that I had to stop him. This time I could not hide it.
He smiled at me and said "how about if we smoke out to calm down both of our nerves?"
Not only was I meeting up with a complete stranger.
But I was also going to smoke weed with him not knowing what was really in that joint.
You would figure that I would stop right about now... but I didn't. Instead I smoked. I relaxed. And I initiated another kissing frenzy. This time we took it as far as it could go.
Everything he had said about him physically was true. And we clicked instantly.
I had been lucky that everything my mom said would happen - hadn't.
I had taken a big risk with all of it and luckily I had been triumphant.
But what if it had gone the other way? I don't even want to think about it.
Things did not work out between Steve and I. Yet I still do not regret what took place that day. Will I do it again? Probably not. My nerves were bad that day. And although the sex was awesome, I felt guilty. Online dating started and ended with him.
st.1
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Vegas is fun when you can bring it home
I share stories. It is what I do. What better forum to share them than on blogger?
Let me brief you on my stories. I write short stories regarding relationships, personalities, ways to live, events, opinions, etc. Some of my stories are events that have taken place in my life either in the past or present. Or sometimes they are stories that were once shared with me by others. Some only exist in that creative part of my mind.
They are kept short for blogging purposes, but they have enough detail to paint a picture for you, the reader. Names have been changed because they really aren't important. It's the stories that matter.
Now I share these stories with you. As the reader, it is up to you to decide if it is real or not.
*** *** ***
"What happens in Vegas...stays in Vegas." that is what the commercials say right? And the T.V. never lies. Until today.
Chrissy had just come back from her weekend in Vegas and her smile was from ear to ear all day long. She kept hinting about how wonderful her weekend had been, but because of work she was never able to go into detail. Finally we went to our normal hang out spot and that is when the excitement began.
There was something different about her. She was giggling like a school girl and although she kept saying "I will tell you in due time," I knew that she was dying to spill her guts out to me.
Our conversation then turned into a charade game. I was trying to get hints from her and she kept giggling every time that I guessed wrong.
"Did you get a new job?" giggle giggle.
"Did you put an offer on a new house?" smirk smirk.
Obviously, I was not winning this game. So I went for a different approach. I started making conversation about anything to see what would get the most reaction from her. Each time we would get talking about the weekend she would get the biggest smile, shake her head and say "aw man ... one day I am going to tell you something and you won't even believe me." Needless to say, whatever it was that was making her this giddy had to have happened over the weekend.
Before I go on, let me share some info about Chrissy. She has a good heart. Has an open mind. Is a single mom. Has a great taste for food. And she is very easy to talk to, almost like an older sister. Ever since I have known her, I have always felt that there was more to her then what she presented. I will explain more later.
All hints and suggestions led me to believe that she had to have had sex during this grand Vegas weekend of hers. I am sure you're thinking... so what. a lot of people go to Vegas and have sex.... not Chrissy. At least not with the group that she went with. She had joined some of her high school girlfriends in Vegas for a small get together and hung out with them the whole weekend. She hadn't even called me to hang out, and I had been in Vegas too!!!!
And then it hit me. I knew what was making Chrissy smile.
I tried one more time to get her to share her big secret, but all I got was more giggles.
This time, I reacted differently.
"I think I know what happened. But instead of telling you - since you want to wait until you are ready - I am going to write it on this piece of paper, put it in my wallet and then when you are ready to tell me we can compare to see if I guessed right."
again... she giggled.
I wrote my idea down and put it away. The conversation continued until finally I knew that I was the one that could not wait to share what I had guessed. My gut feeling told me that I was on the right track and so I took a chance and took it out for her to read.
"your secret is...I kissed a girl and I liked it"
her reaction... more giggles followed by a high-five.
I knew it! Her secret did involve sex in some way. It just happened to involve one of her girlfriends. Then it dawned on me.... did Chrissy just come out to me?
again, before I go on, let me tell you why this was not jaw dropping to me. Putting it bluntly, she has always given me a lesbian vibe. It's weird because I cannot explain why. It's not like if I surround myself with lesbians and am familiar with their vibes (if that is what you wanna call it). I just had this feeling that if she ever told me that this is who she was, that it would make sense. This is what I meant by she seemed like she was more then what she presented herself as.
And now back to the coming out part! My interrogation began: Who was the girl? What other friends knew? Did she consider herself a lesbian? Or bi-sexual (since she was married at some point)? Will she do it again? Did she like it? You have to understand that although her coming out did not surprise me, I was still curious about the circumstances surrounding it.
She kept smiling about it the whole time. I knew that although it seemed new to her, she was comfortable with what had happened. She was definitely confused and curious, but happy. Or like she put it "on cloud nine."
Unfortunately, it was not all happiness. There were certain obstacles that kept troubling her.
For one, her family. Her son had just come out to her and her sister this year. It had been a shock at first, but the family had slowly adjusted and was much more comfortable with the idea. Now it was her turn to do the same. How will they take it?
And then there was her religion. She was raised Catholic and still practiced it. How could she take communion when she knew that she was committing a mortal sin? The guilt was already eating her conscious. This seemed to be her biggest worry.
And then there was her own past that troubled her. Her past relationships had not lasted because she would lose interest in them. She seemed to put expiration dates on them and now feared that the same would happen with this one. If she was not able to keep a relationship with a man, what were her chances like with a woman?
Which then took her back to her family. Why tell them and put them through any emotions of her possibly being a lesbian if she wasn't even sure herself? What if she was only testing the waters? What if she thought she bought back her Vegas weekend with her, when in reality she would get bored with it by the end of the week? Why bother telling anyone?
She is stil not certain if this is who she is. She is figuring it out one day at a time. She is not certain if she was always this way. Maybe her son's courage of coming out became contagious and allowed her to do the same. And she does not know where it is all heading.
One thing is for certain. She is truly happy and enjoying every minute of it - whatever it is or can turn out to be. If you don't believe me, then just take a look at the smile on her face and you will see that there is no denying it.
st.1
Let me brief you on my stories. I write short stories regarding relationships, personalities, ways to live, events, opinions, etc. Some of my stories are events that have taken place in my life either in the past or present. Or sometimes they are stories that were once shared with me by others. Some only exist in that creative part of my mind.
They are kept short for blogging purposes, but they have enough detail to paint a picture for you, the reader. Names have been changed because they really aren't important. It's the stories that matter.
Now I share these stories with you. As the reader, it is up to you to decide if it is real or not.
*** *** ***
"What happens in Vegas...stays in Vegas." that is what the commercials say right? And the T.V. never lies. Until today.
Chrissy had just come back from her weekend in Vegas and her smile was from ear to ear all day long. She kept hinting about how wonderful her weekend had been, but because of work she was never able to go into detail. Finally we went to our normal hang out spot and that is when the excitement began.
There was something different about her. She was giggling like a school girl and although she kept saying "I will tell you in due time," I knew that she was dying to spill her guts out to me.
Our conversation then turned into a charade game. I was trying to get hints from her and she kept giggling every time that I guessed wrong.
"Did you get a new job?" giggle giggle.
"Did you put an offer on a new house?" smirk smirk.
Obviously, I was not winning this game. So I went for a different approach. I started making conversation about anything to see what would get the most reaction from her. Each time we would get talking about the weekend she would get the biggest smile, shake her head and say "aw man ... one day I am going to tell you something and you won't even believe me." Needless to say, whatever it was that was making her this giddy had to have happened over the weekend.
Before I go on, let me share some info about Chrissy. She has a good heart. Has an open mind. Is a single mom. Has a great taste for food. And she is very easy to talk to, almost like an older sister. Ever since I have known her, I have always felt that there was more to her then what she presented. I will explain more later.
All hints and suggestions led me to believe that she had to have had sex during this grand Vegas weekend of hers. I am sure you're thinking... so what. a lot of people go to Vegas and have sex.... not Chrissy. At least not with the group that she went with. She had joined some of her high school girlfriends in Vegas for a small get together and hung out with them the whole weekend. She hadn't even called me to hang out, and I had been in Vegas too!!!!
And then it hit me. I knew what was making Chrissy smile.
I tried one more time to get her to share her big secret, but all I got was more giggles.
This time, I reacted differently.
"I think I know what happened. But instead of telling you - since you want to wait until you are ready - I am going to write it on this piece of paper, put it in my wallet and then when you are ready to tell me we can compare to see if I guessed right."
again... she giggled.
I wrote my idea down and put it away. The conversation continued until finally I knew that I was the one that could not wait to share what I had guessed. My gut feeling told me that I was on the right track and so I took a chance and took it out for her to read.
"your secret is...I kissed a girl and I liked it"
her reaction... more giggles followed by a high-five.
I knew it! Her secret did involve sex in some way. It just happened to involve one of her girlfriends. Then it dawned on me.... did Chrissy just come out to me?
again, before I go on, let me tell you why this was not jaw dropping to me. Putting it bluntly, she has always given me a lesbian vibe. It's weird because I cannot explain why. It's not like if I surround myself with lesbians and am familiar with their vibes (if that is what you wanna call it). I just had this feeling that if she ever told me that this is who she was, that it would make sense. This is what I meant by she seemed like she was more then what she presented herself as.
And now back to the coming out part! My interrogation began: Who was the girl? What other friends knew? Did she consider herself a lesbian? Or bi-sexual (since she was married at some point)? Will she do it again? Did she like it? You have to understand that although her coming out did not surprise me, I was still curious about the circumstances surrounding it.
She kept smiling about it the whole time. I knew that although it seemed new to her, she was comfortable with what had happened. She was definitely confused and curious, but happy. Or like she put it "on cloud nine."
Unfortunately, it was not all happiness. There were certain obstacles that kept troubling her.
For one, her family. Her son had just come out to her and her sister this year. It had been a shock at first, but the family had slowly adjusted and was much more comfortable with the idea. Now it was her turn to do the same. How will they take it?
And then there was her religion. She was raised Catholic and still practiced it. How could she take communion when she knew that she was committing a mortal sin? The guilt was already eating her conscious. This seemed to be her biggest worry.
And then there was her own past that troubled her. Her past relationships had not lasted because she would lose interest in them. She seemed to put expiration dates on them and now feared that the same would happen with this one. If she was not able to keep a relationship with a man, what were her chances like with a woman?
Which then took her back to her family. Why tell them and put them through any emotions of her possibly being a lesbian if she wasn't even sure herself? What if she was only testing the waters? What if she thought she bought back her Vegas weekend with her, when in reality she would get bored with it by the end of the week? Why bother telling anyone?
She is stil not certain if this is who she is. She is figuring it out one day at a time. She is not certain if she was always this way. Maybe her son's courage of coming out became contagious and allowed her to do the same. And she does not know where it is all heading.
One thing is for certain. She is truly happy and enjoying every minute of it - whatever it is or can turn out to be. If you don't believe me, then just take a look at the smile on her face and you will see that there is no denying it.
st.1
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