then and now

I was 19 and loving it.
I had no fear of most things and faced the world with a smile on my face regardless of what was placed in front of me.

My boyfriend invited me to his house to hang out. No one was home so we were all alone. I knew where this was heading to and I had no problem leading the way. The only catch was that his room was currently empty because it was being painted and remodeled. We were going to have to get creative. So we decided to take the easy way out and go into the room that his mom and sister shared to handle our business. We threw a mattress down and went at it. Unfortunately, we were so at it that we did not hear when his sister walked in the house. She tried to open the door to her room and my boyfriend jumped up and pushed the door closed. She was so mad that she started to cry and scream at him. I was so embarrassed. Here I was half naked on who knows whose mattress, huffing and puffing while his sister was crying outside the door threatening to call their mom. So what did I decide to do when he came back… I grabbed him by his arms and pulled him back down. There was something he still needed to finish.

Horrible right? But that is just what my attitude was like back then. Now, now I am a bit more different. Actually I think that I am completely opposite of who I was back then. It's only been 6 years, but I think that I am slowly turning a bit on the prude side.

The other morning I was waiting patiently for my husband to get out of the shower so that I could start getting ready. He was taking long just like always. I decided to walk in and just get what I needed to start my morning routine. Here I was, in my house, with my husband and I was kind of shy to walk in there to grab a brush. What was I scared of? Seeing him naked? I had seen that plenty of times, why was I so nervous to see him this way while he was showering? I decided to push the shyness back and opened the door. I didn’t look towards the bathtub, but saw the reflection of my husband’s face in the mirror. He looked horrified. I had just caught him masturbating. He tried to hide it and pretend that it wasn’t his dick in his hand and that he had not been stroking it moments before I had opened the door. I quickly looked down, apologized, and ran out of the bathroom. What the hell was wrong with me? If this was the 19 year old version of me, I would have jumped in the shower with him to help him finish off what he had started – no questions asked. But the older version of me was appalled. Why was he masturbating? What had led him to do that when he had a wife that could help him fulfill any of those needs?

Had I really become this boring in bed? Was age really catching up to me? Or was I no longer what he longed for that he preferred his hand? Is this what it meant to grow up? Bills and a husband that masturbated. How could I get him to want me again? Why was this bothering me so much? How could I get that 19 year old version back? Even a small hint of her would be nice. I was tired of this version of me that was insecure and that questioned everything.

Growing up all of a sudden did not seem like fun anymore. What was next? My boobs were going to turn into knee knockers? Something to look forward to.

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